You've heard this all before

Believe it or not I'm back (I know you're all really tired of hearing that).

I've been busier than Madonna in Malawi lately with the new job so I apologise. For a second there I thought I was going to quit blogging all together but things seem to be smoothing out a little now and I'm getting my work groove on so I think I'll still have time.

So what's news?

I've been heading off to press briefings left right and centre, writing stories about everything under the sun. Additionaly I've also been looking for a new place to live (whic isn't going too well at the moment, let me tell you). Why is it that everytime I decide to view a good deal it's in a really crap area? Is it perhaps because I'm looking for good deals?

The band is up and running again as well which makes me happy. Last weekend we played what may be the worst show of my life in Vander(fail)park. We were nestled in between some of the worst metal bands I've ever heard and were forced to play through what can only be described as a tin can of a PA system. We're playing at The Black Dahlia in Boksburg this weekend so hopefully that should be better, shows in my home town are always cool because I get to stay with the parentals.

I have a bone to pick. Why, when listeners decide to call in on a radio talk show, do they:

a) Ask the presenter how they are. The presenter is fine, haven't you been listening to the thirty idiots before you that have asked her as well?

b) Answer "I'm fine thanks" when the presenter has finished responding. It almost sounds as if they're trying to validate their self worth by telling the world how fine they are without being asked to do so.

It grates my cheese.

This post was shoddily written because I squeazed it in between articles. Catch you later!

Update: New Jobs, New Home

Ok, so I suck.

I haven't posted in over a week and the only excuse that I can come up with is that fact that I didn't feel like it. Sometimes the blogging wave ebs and flows and I can surely say that mine has been doing a lot more ebbing than flowing of late.

In the time since my last post I left my old job to venture off into a new one here, and so far so good. In my two short (and I mean short because we work from 9:30 to 3:30) I've sorted out my shiny new work laptop (which I'm typing on as we speak) and spent some time in traffic on my way to a Neotell conference.

Although the conference was boring I can say that from what I've experienced being a tech journalist is awesome. I've already been inundated with more offers to review this cellphone, i pod, x box game, computer and go to this press briefing or this conference than I've been able to process. I'm pretty sure it will all become normal in a few weeks but for now I'm enjoying the attention that the Account Executives seem only to keen to lavish me with. Score.

Besides for my new job a few other interesting things have also been happening lately. Lee resigend from her job because she got another one, because this blog has my name in its title and not hers I'm not going to go on about it but let's just say that we both gave out a heavy sigh of releif when it happened because her boss is an ASSHOLE. We're also looking for a new place to live, I know I've mentioned this before but we've narrowed down the options a little bit so it's looking a lot better. We're actually off to see an awesome townhouse tonight in about half an hour so I'm going to leave it there and promise you that I'll catch up tomorrow.

Exelsior!

More Letters

Dear Clicks Security Man

What the hell? Why are you so resolutely insisting that I allow you to close my bag up with a yellow sticker every time I walk into your store? Does it have some sort of force field attached to it that prevents me from reaching into either side of the opening or just removing it? If that's the case I think I might be magic because I haven't had a problem with either thus far.

I know you're doing your job and all but if I was a criminal I'd find your security tactics neither threatening or effective.

If I was a cross dresser I wouldn't have paid for lipstick and other assorted make up products for years, you're lucky I can't walk in heels.

Thanks

Tom



Dear Julius Malema

I'm not going to head off on your average diatribe about how you're a complete douchebag or how undereducated you are. We both know that harping on about that for hours would be like trying to convince the America that Barrack Obama is black.

I would like to point out to you however that you implicated your own political party in corruption this weekend at a rally held in Kwazulu Natal. I'm not sure you understand this but when you tell thousands of people that the chief members of COPE were guilty of profiting from the arms deal as ANC executives before they left to start their own party you are actually admitting that the ANC had some dodgy dealings back then.

Now might I commend you for doing such a great job in chasing anyone with half a brain into the arms of the likes of the DA, COPE and IFP. You deserve a medal of sorts, you know, the kind your woodwork teacher always gave to the smart kids.

Best

Tom



Dear Helen Zille

Congratulations! You've successfully moulded the DA into a walking Frankenstein of a political party. By taking what you figured to be the best parts of liberal democrats, pre democracy ANC and British Parliament you've managed to sew together a party that cannot think for itself and exists solely to point fingers at the ANC and say "Nuh Uh!".

No, you can't have my vote.

I still think you're a saucy little minx though.

Hugs

Tom

Friday: Article

Not much going on at the moment I'm afriad. It's always the way isn't it? I get back to full time blogging when there's nothing to write about.

Sorry guys, hopefully next week will be more entertaining.

For now I'll leave you with a really funny article I read via Simon Dingle's Tweet this afternoon:

SA expats too busy eating rats to vote LONDON.

South African expatriates living in Britain and the US say that they are unlikely to vote in April 22's general election as they are too busy queuing at soup kitchens and catching rats to bulk up their gruel. However some expats have demanded the right to vote, hoping to stuff their shoes with ballot papers and gather up enough pencils to burn for warmth.

The issue of whether or not expatriates should be allowed to vote in the forthcoming election has been a political hot potato in South Africa, with the ANC opposing the move as it fears a strong expatriate turnout on April 22 could see its majority slip from 76 percent to 75.9 percent.

However the Democratic Alliance and the Freedom Front Plus remain adamant that expatriates should be allowed to vote abroad, and are hoping for a major boost from this demographic.

4.4 million of South Africa's 4.5 million whites currently live in four flats in Shepherd's Bush in London, and both opposition parties are hoping to rouse at least a few dozen out of their traditional apathy come April 22.

But for expatriates, trapped in a crushing cycle of debt, joblessness and stale Jaffa Cakes, voting is not as easy as it sounds.

Worsie van Tonder, a 26-year-old electrical engineer currently working as a coffee-bean titillator at Costa, says he is unlikely to vote even if allowed to."If you're out of the shop for more than twelve minutes a month they fire you," he explained. "I just don't know when I'd get the chance. And these beans need titillating."

Elsa-Chante Smit, 23, is a classically trained pet therapist but is currently paying her heating bills by working as an exotic dancer at Little Caesar's Skin Bar in Glasgow. She echoes Van Tonder's sentiments, although she says she's lucky just to have a job.

"A lot of South Africans in the UK, you see them roaming around in the streets like zombies. Slack jaws, moaning as they walk, Springbok jerseys all dirty and ragged, Springbok beanies all unraveling, Springbok scarves dragging in the slush behind them."

The local kids throw them with rocks. Dogs rip off their jean-pants. It's horrible."

Brad Brad-Bradley, who decided to take a gap year in London with his friend and wrestling partner Chad Chadley-Chadford after they graduated from Michaelhouse with distinctions in suppressed masculine rage, said he would not be voting on April 22 as he would be at the South African embassy applying for economic refugee status.

"Bru, we're so stoked about going home and that, but we sold our Bok puffer jackets and Bok jerseys so we'd totally freeze to death before we made it to Heathrow," he explained.

He said getting on a South African Airways flight was easy as one only needed to offer the cabin crew some hard drugs.

"The problem is that me and Chad ate our drugs last night, with the last of the rat.

"It was so cold, and our teeth are starting to get loose in our gums, and he had this brick of skunk, so we fried it in diesel oil and shredded the last of the rat-leg into it.

"It tasted lank kak but what can you do in these times?"

You can read more articles like this at Hayibo. It smacks of onion news but it's central focus is on SA affairs, which makes it that much more hilarious.

Have a great weekend!

Tag: Current Addictions

Yesterday Being Brazen tagged everyone in her 'Current Addictions' post.

Being that I (think) I fall into the everyone category and that she so politely reminded me this afternoon I decided to follow up and write this blog like a real man.

I am currently addicted to:

Crack Cocaine:

Chasing the magic dragon, there's really nothing better.

Looking for a new place to live:

Our lease ends at the end of April and now that I'm making a little more money Lee and I can afford to move into something bigger than a box. I'm looking for a 2 bed duplex, 2 appliances, garden with a garage and a garden (our cat needs somewhere to run around other than up my leg). Know anything?

That being said I'm also addicted to

Leonard Nemoy Mc Lovin':

My cat. He got his name from quotes from two epic movies, namely Superbad and Step Brothers. He's only 8ish weeks old, he's grey and I think he has energy problems, he never stops running around. Can someone with previous experience in cats please let me know when this will stop?

Twitter:

It just sort of happened, I'm not proud of it. Add me.

Pepperdews/Jalapenos:

These things are more delicious than Kiera Knightly. Tamara swore she was going to give me some of her extra special, home grown, organic, fresh from the garden but in a bottle Pepperdews but she/we forgot before I left. Still not sure if they exist.

Reading all of ExMi's old posts:

She's been blogging longer than Israel and Palestine have had beef, what's more is that every post is awesome. If you don't know her (and you should by now, we swopped blogs and everything) then do yourself a favour and check her out.

Slamming Turok:

Turok is the worst game I've ever played.

Dancing by myself and crying a little:

No explanation needed.

Eating Lee's Cooking:

Has been and will always be the best food under the sun (next to my mommy's).


There you have it! Boring huh?

Some Exciting News

To those of you who read my post yesterday:

I wrote that piece with fiery fingers, it wasn't nice. I decided to take it down because it was pissing off half of you and upsetting the rest. I'd actually like to leave this whole drinking and driving episode behind me now because I'm over it and I learned a good lesson. I'm probably going to turn the story into a weekly series but before I announce any more about that I'm going to give it some thought.

Anyways, I'm back! You can all expect daily blog updates, just like old times.

I also have some really exciting news. This weekend I was sort of offered two jobs, one writing some freelance stuff and the other?

Drum roll please.....

In two weeks I'm going to be My Broadband's new tech journalist! It's South Africa's sixth largest website and I'm going to get to spend all day writing about and testing TV's, computers, phones, games etc. I'm so happy to be joining their editorial team and I'm even happier to finally have a REAL writing job!

PS: If you happen to want to vote for me in the South African Blogger Awards 2009 (and you should, please) then you can do so here. Thanks!

I Go To Jail: Episode One (Miami Vice)

Hi guys

Ok I'm back and I'm feeling great. How's the week been?

Let's just jump straight into it shall we?

I was invited to a blogger get together at Cranks in Rivonia on Friday night by ExMi. Naturally I accepted and when Friday night rolled around I found myself a really excited and just a little nervous. I'd never met these people before but I knew all about their lives already, it was an interesting dynamic.

When I arrived ExMi and I both decided that eating was out of the question and that drinking was the way to go. To take the edge off the nerves I ordered myself a beer and settled into getting to know a whole bunch of the Joburg bloggers and twitterers I'd been following for the past few months. It was great and I ended up having a fantastic time.

I left at around 11:30 and on the drive home I got a call from my girlfriend to let me know that the cops were everywhere and that I should be careful. Super, I decided to take the back roads. I knew that the pigs always trapped under a certain bridge very close to my house so I decided to go over the bridge in the hopes that I wouldn't be pulled over. I wasn't that lucky.

As I drove further down William Nicol drive I slowly began to realize that the bastards had moved the road block further back to catch people like me. I began to experience a sinking feeling when the police began to pull me in with their tractor beam torches, ushering my car to the side of the road.

I opened my window to the (very brand new, wet behind the ears) policeman. The conversation went something like this:

Policeman: Eh Boss. Can I see your licence?

Tom: Evening officer, sure.

*This is when I frantically start searching for my wallet. Turns out I forgot that I put it in my glove box when I arrived at Cranks. If anything made me look drunk it was me pulling my car apart trying to find the darn thing.
Tom: There you go officer

Policeman: Thomas, you are young (um thanks?) have you been drinking?

Tom: No sir, I'm just on my way home. See those lights there? (Points to the nearest intersection) I just have to turn there and then I'm back.

Policeman: Thomas I think you have been drinking and now you must blow.

Tom: Sir, with the utmost respect, I just want to get home. If you must test me I'd like a Drager test and to see the certificate of competency for the operator.

Policeman: *calls supervisor

Supervisor: Come now sir, you must blow. Get out of the car.

Tom: Ma'am I'd respectfully like a Drager test please.

Supervisor: No! You must blow! (tries to open my car door, it's locked) Come, we are going to see the supervisor.

Tom: Ok

Supervisor's Supervisor: Boy, you must blow now (how many times did they have to say that?)

Tom: Sir, I just asked for a Drager Test.

Supervisor's Supervisor: *Laughs in my face

Tom: Sir, I'm being really respectful, I'm not trying to cause trouble.

Supervisor's Supervisor: Bring me the handcuffs!

Tom: Erm what?

Supervisor's Supervisor: Resisting arrest!

Tom: Ok ok I'll do the breathalyzer test.

That didn't help. This 6 foot 7 inch odd man pushed me onto the police car and slapped those handcuffs on like I was his bitch. I have a feeling he'd been waiting all night for something like this to happen because he pushed me into that police van like he was the protagonist in an episode of Miami Vice (without the pale blue suits and cocaine). I sat down; hands cuffed behind my back and uttered a single word.

Shit.

I turned around to greet my fellow inmates.

Tom: Hi guys

Dude 1: Why do you have handcuffs on?

Tom: I'm not sure actually, no one explained to me why I'm being arrested and I didn't have a breathalyzer test.

Dude 1: That's ridiculous.

Dude 2: We're all in for drinking; they said that they're going to take us to Loveday Police Station.

Tom: Where is that?

Dude 1: In the CBD, it's not a great place.

Tom: Crap, um could you do me a favour?

Dude 1: Sure, what?

Tom: Could you take my phone out of my pocket, press the green button, dial the first number and hold it to my ear?

I managed to place a very awkward phone call to my sleeping girlfriend as the police started the car up and drove us away at about a zillion miles per hour. Now I'm not sure if you've ever sat in a police van with handcuffs on driving at a zillion miles per hour but I can tell you that it's tough to hold on.

With my phone safely back in my pocket, my hands behind my back and my girlfriend frantically calling everyone I knew we headed off into the darkness to meet an uncertain fate.
And that's where I'll leave you for now. In the next post I'll tell you guys all about the test,
Douglasdale Police Station and Randburg Cells.

Until then....