Help A Blogger Out!

Rachel from I'm a Mom in Real Life has recently set up her very own comic journal and she needs your help!

She's a really talented, really funny lady who has a pretty funny outlook on life.

All you need to do is go here and follow the rules. She's trying to garner votes for Top Web Comics 100 Real Life Comics list which will spread the word even further over the internets!

If you haven't checked out this blog then make sure you do, oh and you can win some pretty mean prizes too!

I tried to upload an example of what the comic is all about but my PC wasn't working out, you're just going to have to trust me.

10 Reasons To Be Happy

Good morning/afternoon/evening to all of you peoples on the internets.

Today I'm a happy man. Want to know why? Here's why.

The Cricket:

Most of you won't know what this is. But If you do please skip the next few paragraphs.

Cricket is a sport. We play it a lot here in South Africa and it involves hurling a really hard, really red ball down a straight pitch at a batsman. Behind the batsman is the 'wicket keeper' who catches the ball if the batsman misses (whic can happen a lot). At any given time there are 11 players (fielders) on the field (which looks like a big oval with the pitch in the middle), two umpires (the bosses) and two batsman (one on either side of the pitch).

When the batsman hits the ball he has the option to make 'runs'. A 'run' is what it sounds like:one length down the pitch by both batsmen. The batsmen can be given 'out' in a few ways:

Being bowled: where the bowler manages to hit one of the three stumps located behind the batsman (kind of like a strike in baseball).

Being found LBW: where the ball hits the batsman on the pad and the umpires decides that if the batsman had not been there it would have hit the stumps.

Or being caught: (this one's obvious).

When the batsman is given out, the umpire sticks one finger up into the air like he's hailing a taxi.

It's all very complicated.

Anyway. We beat Australia today which is a special thing for many reasons but mostly because we in South Africa hate Australians when it comes to sport. Enough said.

Cricket looks like this:

Oh, and this:

A New Job?:

Recently I submitted my CV for a host of new jobs, most notably an Events Manager position. I got a call straight away from the recruitment lady for the Events position telling me how cool I was and how rad I am that kind of thing.

It looks like I'll get an interview and I'm really excited because if I get the job I'll be making a lot more money, I'll be out and about all day, I'll actually be responsible for something and I won't be bored out of my skull.

Why events you ask? Well, it's something I've been doing for a while with my own company Horse Productions. I've put together and organised almost live 40 shows now and I really really enjoy it.

Hold thumbs please!

Watchmen Movie:

Alan Moore's famous graphic novel Watchmen has been made into a movie by the same fella that made 300 and Sin City. Needless to say I'm practically wetting myself with excitement.

Check out the trailer to find out why!

Getting Paid:

I get paid this weekend. That means I'll have money to blow at strip clubs:)

Finishing Call of Duty 5:

I finished Call of Duty 5 last night. It's the longest game ever made. How do I know it's the longest game ever made? Well, I started growing my hair when I put the disk in and now I look like Orlando Bloom from Lord of the Rings.

It's a great game but good lord did it just go on and on and on and on. I'll be sure to slam it in the review I write for it this weekend.

My hair is this long now

Flight of the Conchords Season 2:

Bret and Jermaine are the only two good things about New Zealand. If you haven't watched this sitcom yet you should crawl out of your nuclear bunker and get some culture. Then tune in every week to watch season two. You will not be dissapointed, and if you are I'll eat my shirt. Really.

StumbleUpon:

This site is the only thing between me and (complete) insanity right now. It's rad. You click on links and it brings up interesting articles on everything from cow methane gas caputurers to pictures of baby Kangaroos. Thanks Future Backwards!

Trip to Americaland Dec '09:

Yeah that's right, I'm coming back for the fourth time! In December Lee, my parents, brother and myself will be jetting off to the land of the free (burger). We'll be in Washington, Florida and New York between mid December and the beginning of January. If you're there and you like me I wanna see ya!

New Readers:

My blog is growing like one of those sponges you put in the water and and then a day later it's a dinosaur. I just want to say thanks to all of you that have started reading/commenting and following. It makes me so warm and fuzzy inside:)

Oh and for you Lurkers, here's your chance. I know you exist. I have Statcounter. Unhand your um, hands and comment!

The Weekend:

Hooray! It's Friday! Happy weekend everyone!

PS: Another clown picture to get you in the party mood. I'm sorry, last weeks' was better.

My girlfriend is going to leave me...

Most sincere apologies for the lack of blog yesterday. To be honest, I just wasn't in the mood. That happens to you guys right?

Oh and don't worry. My girlfriend isn't leaving me for realsies but it's getting harder and harder to pry her away from her book. What is she reading? The Twilight Series of course!

Damn you Stephenie Meyer! Damn you and your gripping story line, mediocre writing and over usage of words like 'perforated' and 'whan' in adjectival form!

What is it about this series that turns grown women into little girls? I've been living with a giddy 13 year old for the past two weeks! If I hear one more pre pubescent shriek from the 21 year old woman I live with I’m going to go on a rampage.

It has its benefits however; life has never been so quiet:) And she is kinda cute…


Today I had no idea what to blog about. I need help!

-What do you do when you have no what to post?

-What should I be blogging about?

-If I had no hands, how then would I be able to continue my blogging career?

Those are some pertinent questions indeed...


Oh and thank you for all the comments on the stripper article. For a minute there I thought it was going to land me in a bit of hot water.

PS: If ya'll want to talk to me and tell me how much you like/don't like/feel apathetic towards my blog then just drop me an email on iamtomblog@gmail.com. Yes, that's right; I opened a blog e mail address.

Twilight: Stealing our girlfriends one at a time

Blog Problems?

Is anyone else having problems with the Blogger website/accessing my blog?

Everytime I log in all of your blogs disappear!

Lame..

Let me know!

Friday: I go to a strip club

Should I tell this story or not?

Well, if you're reading this then I've decided on the later and you're in luck because it's pretty raunchy.

I assume most of you read yesterdays post about me being rear ended by a drunk driver on Friday afternoon, chasing him down and pseudo-arresting him. If not then you can read it here.

Later that night my lady, her friend and Ryan went out to dinner together to Piatto to blow off a little steam. Unfortunately Ryan got lost on the way to my flat and I got violated from behind (mind out the gutter please) by a Land Rover so needless to say, we were in the mood for a little bit of a party.

After a few drinks Ryan and I got to talking about what we wanted to do this year and before you know it, out comes"

Ryan: "I'm going to a strip club!"

Tom: Let’s do it NOWWWWWWWW!

I'd been drinking - what would you expect me to say?

We rushed through our meal, peeled away from the ladies (who decided they were going to do their own thing) and raced back to the flat to get changed.

Now, although I'm old enough I have never been to a strip club, I always thought it was immoral and degrading and........ (Do you believe me yet?).

I made damn sure that I was dressed up to the nines so as to avoid any suspicion the bouncer might cast upon me. I had the tucked in shirt, the jeans, the leather shoes and to top it all off - the popped collar. Yes, I said it. I popped the collar.

Fortunately it was only a short drive to Teazers Rivonia and before we could say "This is going to be awesome!" we were already there. After finding a parking next to ‘Adult World’ (how quaint) we walked into the rather unassuming strip club, passing the 8 foot bouncer without any trouble. After paying our R100 entrance we were then escorted into the club.

Nothing was happening.

The lights were low, the music was going but it was half full and fully clothed waitresses were walking around everywhere. This wasn't what I had expected. I had visions of naked girls serving drinks, dancing on poles, making out with each other but sadly...no dice.

We found ourselves a table and soon we were greeted by our waitress Rochelle:

Rochelle: So double what?
Ryan: Excuse me?

Rochelle: What double can I get you?

Tom: We were just going to have a beer

Rochelle: Beer is a pointless drink. What's it going to be?

Tom: Ok, um double whiskey and soda water please

Ryan: I'll have the same, thanks

Rochelle: And a shot?

Ryan: Whoa, just let us warm up first!

Rochelle: Ok (smiling sweetly)


As our drinks arrived the first dancer hit the stage. She was moving and grooving and gyrating and then her top was off and then, um ok, everything was off and she was doing some stuff with the pole, and then she was crawling around…


Ryan: I didn't know they got completely naked!

Tom: Yeah! They do! (Trying to sound cool)

Ryan: This is AWESOME!!!


A few minutes later the remaining dancers were let loose into the room like a pack of rabid wolves, on the look out for the fattest pockets and the most drunken of men. Sadly, two of the ugliest strippers I've ever seen sat at our table and started chatting to us. Obviously we didn't look very appealing.

I wish I could say I was lying but I decided that I needed the bathroom and left Ryan there to fend for himself. Call me an asshole, I am one, but I couldn't sum up the courage to stay. When I got back I found out that Ryan had used hit wit and charm to get rid of them and that we had two shots waiting for us from the table of tattooed Indian guys next to us.

Thanks tattooed Indian guys!

After watching everyone else in the club get table dances, including the couple sitting in the corner (the stripper paid more attention to the guys’ girlfriend than the guy -awesome!) we figured we should man up and we decided to get one ourselves. In the most sheepish, bashful, this is our first time at a strip club voices we asked Katy, a girl who had introduced herself to us earlier, if she'd like to give it a go.

She didn't waste any time, let me tell you. With a short hiss she called a cleaner over to remove our drinks and wipe down the table. In a flurry of 4/5/6 inch heels and lace she got on the table and started dancing.

I cannot tell a lie, I had to look. Ryan and I spent most of the time laughing to each other while she gyrated above us but she was a great sport because she was laughing too.

At the end of the dance she made me kiss her ass (and by ass I mean outer thigh, don't worry ladies) until she was satisfied that I'd done it correctly. Then she picked her underwear off our heads, got dressed and walked away smiling.

And we were smiling too

Ryan: HOLYSHITHTATWASAWESOMEIWANTTOLIVEHERE!
Tom: DUDEIKNOWHOLYCRAPTHISISFUNSUPERLOLZ!

Awesome!

We had the good fortune to be sandwiched between the two richest tables in the club and so during the next few drinks (and shots courtesy of tattooed Indian guys) we just sat and stared at all the craziness that was happening on either side of us. And by craziness I mean nakedness.

At about 3pm, after laughing, drinking, high fiving and chatting to a bazzilion Russian/Polish/Serbian strippers (why were they all Eastern European?) we packed it in and went home. I had to literally drag Ryan out of that club after he decided that Teazers, Rivonia was where he should spend the rest of his days. It wasn't easy, but I did it.

PS: My girlfriend was totally cool with it

You maybe think I'm a dirty, chauvinistic, cave Manish male but fuck it, I had fun. And so did those strippers when they took our money. Let's just say it was a mutually beneficial evening.

We spent the next day talking about how it is that women can do that to men. If anything, the girls that were working that night had the upper hand, not us. Oh and we also mentioned how AWESOME it was a whole lot too.

Girls: Don't judge me. This was an important step in my final ascension into manhood. Oh and it was AWESOME! Don't worry though, it wasn't that dirty and it was all in good fun.

Guys: You know exactly what I'm talking about.

Friday: I get rear ended by a drunk driver

Now there’s nothing funny about drunk driving –it’s stupid, dangerous and irresponsible – but my run in with a drunk driver on Friday was hilarious. Well, kind of.

Home time rolls around on Friday afternoon and I jump into my car eager to get back because, as some of you may know, my friend Ryan was on his way to my flat and we were all due to go out for a meal. Unfortunately the traffic was terrible, real stop-start kind of stuff, and I found myself getting pretty pissed at the fact that it was taking longer than usual to drive my 13km’s home in the sweltering South African heat.

Eventually I made it to the point at which I cross over the highway. This is a watershed moment in my journey because, when I make it over said highway I know that everything is going to be ok and that I’ll be home soon. I’m feeling relieved, excited and a whole host of other colorful adjectives.

And then…WHAM!!!!!!

I jolt violently forward in my seat and my bag of groceries goes flying forward into the dashboard like a malfunctioning parachute, spilling cracker bread everywhere. I check my rearview mirror, slightly confused, not quite sure if I’ve actually been hit because the driver of the Land Rover behind me isn’t flinching.

It’s a big fuck off kind of Land Drover, the kind you’d expect to be transporting legions of mercenaries through the depths of Africa for example, not the kind that you’d expect to find in Friday traffic.

After a few seconds I decide that something isn’t right and I leave my car to inspect the damage. I discover that my rear bumper is badly scratched and cracked down the middle and yet still no response from Mark Staddard behind me (we’ll call him that because that’s his name, bastard). Eventually I walk up to his window to let him know he’s hit me, he takes one look at my face and he speeds away.

At this point my blood really starts pumping. Finally my dreams have come true. Finally I get to test out the mad driving skillz I’d mastered playing Need for Speed all those years ago. I jump back into my car, rev the engine like I’m an extra in Fast and the Furious and begin to chase the asshole down. Eventually, after plenty of red lights and stop streets he pulls into a housing complex and, after convincing the security guard to let me in I track him like a wild animal to a side street where he’s trying to hide from me.

I get out and walk up to his car with the kind of pirate swagger that wouldn’t be out of place in The Godfather, he winds down his window and a conversation ensues:

Tom: Um, you hit me back there

Mark: Uh wha? Whore ewe?

Tom: I’m Tom and you hit my car

Mark: But thes noreven any damach

Tom: Yes there is. It might not be a big deal to you in your big land drover but if I want to resell the car I’m going to have to fix it.

Mark: Ofcorsh, well you haf my detailz

Tom: No I don’t, do you want to give them to me?

Mark: But thes noreven any damach

Tom: You just said that.

Mark: What’s thiz gonna take?

Tom: Well I’m definitely going got have to replace the bumper, that’s about R2000. Do you want to see?

Mark: Yesho

Then Mark Staddard gets out of his big Land Rover and face plants into the tarmac.

I can’t decide if he’s dead or just sleeping.

Slowly he picks himself up and starts staggering off in the general direction of my car.

Mark: But thes noreven any damach

Tom: Yes, see there is (shows him the damage). Besides, I can tell you’ve been drinking.

Mark: Yeah we’ve all been drinking! (Hiccup)

Tom: Clearly. Look this is going to cost me some money. If you want you can give me R2000 and get someone to pick you up and this will all go away (I say this in my best gangster tone).

Mark: But thes noreven any damach

Tom: Yes there is, I’m calling the police.

Suddenly, with the speed of a Kenyan sprinter, Mark runs to his car and races off. Once again I’m in hot pursuit. He’s headed toward entrance to the gated community we’re currently trapped in and after screaming out my window at the security guards I manage to persuade them not to let him out.

Tom: Now I’m really calling the cops

Mark: Wait, wait! what’s thiz gonna take?

Tom: I told you; give me the cash and this can all go away. Do you have someone who can pick you up?

Mark: No, no one

Tom: Ok, then you’ve run out of options, I’m calling the police

Mark: No! I’ll sordyou out

Tom: That’s a nice watch you have there... (ok I made that part up)

Tom: Ok, just write down your details (gives me his business card and falls over)

Eventually I notice that I am running late, so I whip out my phone and take a quick video of his drunken ass, his number plate and make sure I have all his details. I also take a security guard to the side and explain to him that I am calling the police but that I also have to leave.

Very clearly I explain that they should not, under any circumstances let Mark Staddard of Kyalami Estates; Midrand drive away until someone arrives to arrest him. Security guard happily agrees, I call emergency to report the problem and I start driving home.

Who meets me at the lights at the top of the road? Mark Staddard of course.

I give up.

Is it my fault? ProbablyL

The weekend roundup: What's on my desk.

Happy Friday everyone!

For us here in South Africa there's not much of it left but it's only just beginning for those of you in America enjoy it while you still can!

Suckers! We're totally closer to the weekend than you are. But then again on Sunday you're further from Monday so I guess that balances things out.

When I'm at work my desk tends to get pretty messy and it's the one thing I hate sorting out. It's kind of my home away from home so I try not to not to ever let it get TOO clean.

Kind of like this
Things on my desk at the moment:

24" Flat Screen Monitor: Yeah, my work is baddass like that
Keyboard+Mouse
Lunch Box: Pink
Styrofoam rock: When I got this I liked to throw it at the people I work with
Coca Cola Football
Tennis Ball
Raphael Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Action Figure
Hulk Action Figure (Hanging off screen)
Lycra remains from the gym ball we destroyed yesterday
Assorted Pens
Calendar
Phone
Money
Headphones

What do you have on your desk?

This weekend's going to be mighty entertaining one, that's for sure. I've got my best mate Ryan coming through for a few days. I've known him since I was 10 and we went to school together, played in bands together, went to varsity together and shared a room at said varsity.

I haven't seen him for almost two months and although it might seem homoerotic I'm looking forward to hanging out with him.

When the weekend spits me out on Monday with only vague recollections of X Box's, Wii's, Beer and Braais I'll tell you all about it.

Wish me luck, that's all I'm saying.

PS: I'm a total conspiracy and undercover story whore so if you share that fascination with me you have to check out Damn Interesting. It's a group of fantastic writers who've compiled reports on everything from whether one remains conscious when one is decapitated (a question we've all pondered I'm sure) to an American Fascist coup that lost steam.

Sorry for the short, wierd, disturbing post.

Have a great weekend! Here's a picture of a clown to get you in that party mood:

Mmmmm...works so good!