Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Friday: I go to a strip club

Should I tell this story or not?

Well, if you're reading this then I've decided on the later and you're in luck because it's pretty raunchy.

I assume most of you read yesterdays post about me being rear ended by a drunk driver on Friday afternoon, chasing him down and pseudo-arresting him. If not then you can read it here.

Later that night my lady, her friend and Ryan went out to dinner together to Piatto to blow off a little steam. Unfortunately Ryan got lost on the way to my flat and I got violated from behind (mind out the gutter please) by a Land Rover so needless to say, we were in the mood for a little bit of a party.

After a few drinks Ryan and I got to talking about what we wanted to do this year and before you know it, out comes"

Ryan: "I'm going to a strip club!"

Tom: Let’s do it NOWWWWWWWW!

I'd been drinking - what would you expect me to say?

We rushed through our meal, peeled away from the ladies (who decided they were going to do their own thing) and raced back to the flat to get changed.

Now, although I'm old enough I have never been to a strip club, I always thought it was immoral and degrading and........ (Do you believe me yet?).

I made damn sure that I was dressed up to the nines so as to avoid any suspicion the bouncer might cast upon me. I had the tucked in shirt, the jeans, the leather shoes and to top it all off - the popped collar. Yes, I said it. I popped the collar.

Fortunately it was only a short drive to Teazers Rivonia and before we could say "This is going to be awesome!" we were already there. After finding a parking next to ‘Adult World’ (how quaint) we walked into the rather unassuming strip club, passing the 8 foot bouncer without any trouble. After paying our R100 entrance we were then escorted into the club.

Nothing was happening.

The lights were low, the music was going but it was half full and fully clothed waitresses were walking around everywhere. This wasn't what I had expected. I had visions of naked girls serving drinks, dancing on poles, making out with each other but sadly...no dice.

We found ourselves a table and soon we were greeted by our waitress Rochelle:

Rochelle: So double what?
Ryan: Excuse me?

Rochelle: What double can I get you?

Tom: We were just going to have a beer

Rochelle: Beer is a pointless drink. What's it going to be?

Tom: Ok, um double whiskey and soda water please

Ryan: I'll have the same, thanks

Rochelle: And a shot?

Ryan: Whoa, just let us warm up first!

Rochelle: Ok (smiling sweetly)

As our drinks arrived the first dancer hit the stage. She was moving and grooving and gyrating and then her top was off and then, um ok, everything was off and she was doing some stuff with the pole, and then she was crawling around…

Ryan: I didn't know they got completely naked!

Tom: Yeah! They do! (Trying to sound cool)

Ryan: This is AWESOME!!!

A few minutes later the remaining dancers were let loose into the room like a pack of rabid wolves, on the look out for the fattest pockets and the most drunken of men. Sadly, two of the ugliest strippers I've ever seen sat at our table and started chatting to us. Obviously we didn't look very appealing.

I wish I could say I was lying but I decided that I needed the bathroom and left Ryan there to fend for himself. Call me an asshole, I am one, but I couldn't sum up the courage to stay. When I got back I found out that Ryan had used hit wit and charm to get rid of them and that we had two shots waiting for us from the table of tattooed Indian guys next to us.

Thanks tattooed Indian guys!

After watching everyone else in the club get table dances, including the couple sitting in the corner (the stripper paid more attention to the guys’ girlfriend than the guy -awesome!) we figured we should man up and we decided to get one ourselves. In the most sheepish, bashful, this is our first time at a strip club voices we asked Katy, a girl who had introduced herself to us earlier, if she'd like to give it a go.

She didn't waste any time, let me tell you. With a short hiss she called a cleaner over to remove our drinks and wipe down the table. In a flurry of 4/5/6 inch heels and lace she got on the table and started dancing.

I cannot tell a lie, I had to look. Ryan and I spent most of the time laughing to each other while she gyrated above us but she was a great sport because she was laughing too.

At the end of the dance she made me kiss her ass (and by ass I mean outer thigh, don't worry ladies) until she was satisfied that I'd done it correctly. Then she picked her underwear off our heads, got dressed and walked away smiling.

And we were smiling too



We had the good fortune to be sandwiched between the two richest tables in the club and so during the next few drinks (and shots courtesy of tattooed Indian guys) we just sat and stared at all the craziness that was happening on either side of us. And by craziness I mean nakedness.

At about 3pm, after laughing, drinking, high fiving and chatting to a bazzilion Russian/Polish/Serbian strippers (why were they all Eastern European?) we packed it in and went home. I had to literally drag Ryan out of that club after he decided that Teazers, Rivonia was where he should spend the rest of his days. It wasn't easy, but I did it.

PS: My girlfriend was totally cool with it

You maybe think I'm a dirty, chauvinistic, cave Manish male but fuck it, I had fun. And so did those strippers when they took our money. Let's just say it was a mutually beneficial evening.

We spent the next day talking about how it is that women can do that to men. If anything, the girls that were working that night had the upper hand, not us. Oh and we also mentioned how AWESOME it was a whole lot too.

Girls: Don't judge me. This was an important step in my final ascension into manhood. Oh and it was AWESOME! Don't worry though, it wasn't that dirty and it was all in good fun.

Guys: You know exactly what I'm talking about.


momcat said...

The only comment I can make at this stage is to say that all men need lessons in how to kiss a woman's ass!

Thomas said...

Ha ha ha ha, it's funny you say that because I was thinking something similar at the time!

momcat said...

And I'm so glad you got to practice until you could do it properly...

Thomas said...

:) I had a feeling I'd get some flak for this post....

Being Brazen said...

Ive always wanted to go to a strip club (only out of pure curiosity) - I havent ever been to one. I will admit freely that I would not like my boyfriend going alone EVER, so going with him would probably work one day (maybe after we get married....lol).

I definitely think its ok to go once in your life. If it becomes a monthly trip - you got issues ;)


Thomas said...

It was definately a one time thing but yes, I guess I really am a dirty old man:(

Bella@That damn expat said...

I've been to a strip club. It was a peer pressure thing, everyone was going and I didn't want to be the loser.
It was awful. Even for the guys. Our strippers were old and flabby, and you could tell they were never pretty.

I'm sorry, popped collar? Loser! Tee hee hee

Glugster said...

Hahahaha. Very funny post.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you guys had fun! :) And you know you have an awesome girlfriend right?
Most girls would freak out a little!

Thomas said...

Bella: Ha ha, old and flabby strippers are the best. It's makes it all even funnier! and yes, for the first time in my life I poppoed the collar and it will be the last, I promise.

Glug: Thanks man, it was pretty funny at the time too!

SleepyJane: Yeah she's super great. She was genuinely interested in how it went, although she did have the slightest glint of worry in her eye the following morning!

angel said...

dude- i coulda never guessed you woulda actually had fun!

LBluca77 said...

You got to love the strip clubs. Oh and beer is not a pointless drink, it is your friend, my friend.