Will You Do My Dishes?

Have any of you ever had a problem with growing up?

I have. I spent my university years telling everyone that I had Peter Pan syndrome.

Me grow up? Pah, Never, Why?

This of course was is paradox because, if you know me, you will also know that I've also spent my entire life trying to be older (cooler) than I actually am. I've always thrived on being one step ahead of the curve, one leap forward, one put closer to the hole, one sentence closer to the punch line. Too much?

Now I feel like I pressed fast forward for too long, like a bad 80’s jukebox. Did I really pass go and collect two hundred dollars?

You tell me:

At 18 I left school and went straight to University. During that time I was in three bands, I was an editor, I toured the country, I held three jobs at once, I had a girlfriend, I organized festivals and I graduated.

Before I even finished my degree I already had a full time job. I spent my cherished last few months as a student working all day, coming home, studying and going to sleep. Two weeks after I graduated I signed the lease on a flat in Joburg and I moved in with my girlfriend.


I'm not an idiot; I (think) have my shit together, but today feel as though I'm looking at the world like a surfer would look at a Tsunami. Maybe I can ride it, but I might have to swallow a whole lot of water first.

I feel a little overwhelmed.

Paying bills, scrubbing floors, being broke, washing dishes, cleaning clothes and being poor sucks.

Can anyone tell me how long this might last?

Kudos to you Sirs and Madams!

Ok, tomorrow we're going to kick things off on a much lighter note.

I'll leave you with this:

'That Dude!'

I have a confession to make. I love being 'that dude'. What dude you ask?

Well when you're introduced to an unknown band or performer that completely blows your socks off, that makes you want to laugh and cry at the same time you'll always cast your mind back at some point and wonder where you first heard your new favourite band.

"Oh yeah it was that (insert name here) dude!"

I love that moment. There have been so many 'that dudes' that have enriched my life with albums, songs and artists that I listen to and religiously follow for years to come and I can't thank them enough.

Someone could take everything away from me one day, I could be down, destitute and next to death but I always know that I can call up on my memory bank of music and hum a tune.

Being that I'm actually a music writer and that I've been playing music for 13 years in 2009 I somehow feel ever so slightly qualified (not that these are prerequisites) to suggest a few amazing bands to you that you may not of heard of.

So check my list out, give it a listen, and maybe I can be 'that dude' to you. Nothing would make me happier!

Brand New

I started listening to this Long Island foursome (get yer mind out the gutter) when I was in high school. Never before had I heard the kind of poetic lyricism that Jesse Lacey spewed out album after album. He got me through plenty of break ups and sleepless nights. If you're going to listen to one song then listen to Jesus Christ:

Jesus Christ I'm not scared to die, I'm a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the Gold Chariot; Do I float through the ceiling?
Do I divide and fall apart? Cause my bright is too sly to hold back all my dark
And the ship went down in sight of land, and at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

Enough said.

Say Anything

What do you get when you give a bipolar, angry, incredibly intelligent, sarcastic Jewish kid a guitar? Say Anything. Forget Rage Against the Machine, I've never known anyone to kick the system in the balls with such complete eloquence. He also gets pretty sensitive and the songs are amazing. It takes a listen or two but when you're hooked that's it.

The Police

My favourite pre 90's band. Do I really need to introduce these guys? Stings' mix up of new wave and reggae was completely new and uncharted when they came out and since then The Police have really stood the test of time. Go buy their greatest hits and take in some lesser known songs like 'Walking on the Moon' or 'Synchronicity', then listen to the big ones like 'Roxanne' and 'Can't Stand Losing You'. Forget The Beatles, this is THE shit.

aKING

You didn't think I wouldn't drop some South African flavour in there did you? These guys are good friends of mine and are currently writing their second album. Over here their kind of a big deal and I think they are our best chance of exporting another South African rock band to the international circuit (did you know Seether are from SA?). The songs are amazing - it's Springsteen meets Foo Fighters all the way.

Fall Out Boy

Yeah yeah they're totally pop but I've been listening to them since 2003 so that makes me kind of cool right? I was given their new CD Folie a Deux to review and I'm in love with it. Such great melodies, such great lyrics.

We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again! - (Coffee's for Closers)


There you go, five recommendations to chomp through if you see fit. If you enjoyed this post I'm willing to make it a weekly/monthly thing so let me know!

Be my 'that dude' and suggest some of your favourites to me!

My Favourite Thing

Now I don't know if you guys remember, but my girlfriend is a Twilight fanatic. She steamed her way through the first two books like a 19th century cross country locomotive and although I didn't approve of Stephenie Meyers writing I ordered her the third book as a surprise.

Unfortunately I also ordered a DVD from Australia at the same time, a DVD that was supposed to take four weeks to get here. BIG mistake.

Apparently Australia is quite far away. Well that's what I've been told.

When Lee decided to run off and get herself Eclipse I had to step in and let her know that I'd ordered if for her, thereby ruining the surprise. In doing this I killed a can of worms and opened up a whole new set at the same time. She wasn’t going to run off and buy the book but she also wanted to know when it would arrive, every day, all day.

My MSN account is flooded with messages asking me to e mail Take 2 and request that they send the book separately from the DVD so that my girlfriend wouldn't have to go cold turkey for too long.

I didn't have the heart to tell her that the projected day of arrival was the 17th of February. I was too worried that she might go crazy and hold up a book store with a mask and an AK47. I didn't want to be guilty by association, no sir.

Imagine my relief then when the package arrived yesterday morning. I spent the whole day riling Lee up, telling her that Take 2 had lost the shipment and that it would take another 3 weeks. Obviously she was bumbed out, but she's a nice person so she refused to go and buy the book like a normal person. She decided that she'd have to wait.

When I got home last night I walked to the dining room table and she was cooking dinner (because my life rocks like that). I put my bag down, opened it up and muttered

Tom: Oh shit...crap; look at this (worried face)

Lee: What? What? (Walks up to me)

Tom: Your book arrived!!!!!!

Lee: Weeeeee!!!!!! (These are squeals of unrequited joy)

So I was in the good books. I didn't get to take advantage of though because when I came home from gym her face was already buried in the pages.

Cool.

I played some poker, watched some TV, read some books. She was still reading.

I wanted to go to bed. She was still reading.

I woke up this morning to find that she got up early, dressed and ate so that she'd get a fresh start to the day. Not, it's so she could read.

I actually think it's all kind of cute but, just for fun, I've developed a condescending smile I give her when I find her soaking in Edward Cullen and his band of soppy poofs.

It goes like this:

Tom: *condescending smile

Lee slowly looks up

Lee: Don't look at me like that!!!!!!

Tom: *condescending smile

Lee: You're making me feel guilty!!!!!!

Tom: *walks away

Lee: But I love you!!!!!!!


It's my favourite thing and it doesn't cost a cent. If Mrs. Meyer plans to swallow my girlfreind whole with her VERY average writing yet (supposedly) compelling story line I don't plan to go down without a fight. I'm going to play the guilt card.

It's on.

This is what Stephen King had to say about all of this commotion:

"Both Rowling and Meyer, they’re speaking directly to young people... The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good"

Well played sir. Well played.

Enjoy!

Unfortunately I can't call this list my own, but it's too good not to be shared.

In honour of my complete and utter boredom at work I give you:

50 THINGS TO DO IN AN EXAM YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL ANYWAY

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15minutes. Wake up, say “oh nuts, better get cracking” and do somegibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is longanswer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use theintegral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’sleft nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been toevery lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh ofrelief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “MerryChristmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of gagging and coughing. Be as vulgar aspossible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, makeone up! For
math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking.Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. Ifit is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers downviolently, scream out “Forget this!” and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes onabove my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, puton a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera”until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know theclass is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged.Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to takethe exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say“you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on theRiver Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into mostequations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious…like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Fake a faint.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs,anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.

50. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks”

Twitter Me?!

I joined twitter a little while back and I kind of left it at that. Not knowing how to make my slave and not knowing anyone on it kind of does that to you.

Anywho, I've finally found some bloggy people so I've decided to take this social networking thing to a whole other level.

If you want to 'add' me (is that what they call it on Twitter?) my name is thomas198729.

So um , go do it and let's invade each others personal lives minute by minute as opposed to blog by blog.

Smooch

Bitch Slap Virgin

What's happening with me at the moment? Nothing much really.

It's weird how everybodies lives go from crazy interesting to mind numbingly boring in only a few days. Although Mtv culture would have you believe that if you're not constantly running around doing amazing things (things that generally involve a lot of money) then you're a loser.

If I'm wrong and you're all off base jumping, polo playing and treasure hunting then I'll eat my hat. Either that or I'll try really hard to suck up to you in the hopes that some of that gold dust will spill its way onto me.

In the spirit of my lack of goings on I've decided to tell one of my more embarrassing stories. Don't worry, it's funny.

My Dad always had me believe that you weren't a real man until you'd been in a fight (he never said those words I admit, but his tales of black eyes and bruises made a big impression on my boyhood psyche). He also made me believe that if you had a big mouth someone would eventually want to smack you upside yo' face.

I naturally put two and two together and developed a less than typical cocky teenage attitude, as a result my mouth slowly formed into a parachute like flap that never stopped articulating mybrash and uncensored thoughts. I'm still amazed that I made it through high school.

Despite my cavalier demeanour and less than respectful tone I made it to university a 'Bitch Slap Virgin' and for the first year everything went swimmingly and I didn't get kicked, hit, punched, toed or kneed once by the enormous Afrikaans seniors at my res. They actually liked the little Rooinek (Redneck) that I was. Score.

All good things must end however (much like Micheal Jackson’s music career) and at the end of second year my day of reckoning came to greet me like a drunk grim reaper (that's not pretty I'll have you know).

One evening my friends (Ryan and Lian) and I decided it would be a fantastic idea to go to a club down the road called Boston’s. It wasn't our usual spot and it was a little out of our way but variety is the spice of life after all (the drinks were cheap) and we went for it. Lian decided to drive so naturally Ryan and I went to the liquor store and bought some cheap Vodka to get us started off. By the time we decided to leave half the bottle had mysteriously disappeared, despite Ryan’s appeals to search for it I voted nay and off we went.

Drinks were flowing, moves were being busted out and I was steadily on my way. Don't judge me, I was a student. Things started getting so entertaining in fact that my friends lost me in the bathroom for a while. After wandering around by myself for about an hour (and when I say wandering I really mean playing pinball with the walls) the lads grabbed me and we headed out the door.

What happened next is still a blur to me. I was told the following morning that there was a group of five guys waiting outside for drunken students to heckle. Me and my big mouth (exacerbated by my alcohol consumption) weren't having any of it.

Our conversation went something like this:

Meatheads: Hey Bro why you so drunk?

Ryan: Man we're just trying to get home

Tom: HAAAY!!!!

Meatheads: What was that?

Tom: What was that your face?

Meatheads: Are you talking to me?

Tom: Losersaywhat!

Meatheads: What?

Tom: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Meatheads: Do you want to get yourself f**** up bro?

Tom: I'll take you all on, you bloody Dutchmen

And that's where it ended. As I'm sure you've figured out, the term 'Dutchman' isn't a very flattering name for someone of Afrikaans heritage. Now I don't have anything against the Afrikaans people at all, I was just looking for the phrase that would piss them off the most. It worked.

I woke up the next morning with a swollen face. A very swollen face. I thought I'd hit my head on the wall during a drunken trip to the bathroom. I limped to Ryan's room to have a chat.

Tom: knock knock (that's me knocking on his door)

Ryan: Hello

Tom: What happened last night dude?

Ryan: You don't remember? You called a bunch of guys Dutchmen and one of them hit you, then they hit Lian.

Tom: Oh shit is he ok?

Ryan: He was dragging you to the car so I think he got hit in the ribs, his face is fine. They chased us after we got in the car.

Tom: How did that happen?

Ryan: Well as we drove past them Lian told them he'd f**** their mothers, so they jumped in their cars and chased us for about 13k's. I thought we were going to die, you were passed out in the back.

Tom: Wow, I'm really sorry

Ryan: It's ok, it was pretty cool actually


And that's how I became a real man. I may have been drunk but I didn't take their shit lying down.

I still have scar tissue in my cheek today, it's weird.

Let's be friends

Hi everybody

Want to be friends?


Ok then we need to get some things out the way first.


- My name is Tom

- I was born in South Africa

- My middle name is David

- I went to an all boys school where I played sports and jammed guitar at assembly. Not the lame sort of acoustic guitar you see at Church (if you do that sort of thing) but a mean guitar that the devil would have been proud of.

- I love peanut butter on toast with coffee, it's my favorite thing to eat.

- I am ridiculously fussy about me food. It has to be made a certain way, with certain ingredients in a certain order. To me only one peanut butter actually exists for example, all the rest are imposters.

- I went to University and I studied English

- When I was a wee' child I was eaten by a spider. Unfortunately I can't climb walls and no, I don't have 8 eyes only 3. What?

- I live with my girlfriend in a flat. We've been together for this - - long.

- I drive a soccer mom car. Don't judge me.

- My girlfriend and I like gin and lime on the rocks. That's her fault.

- I'm way too intollerant and I like things to be done my way. This annoys everyone, especially my girlfriend.

- I am a mean poker player.

- I am borderline obsessive about cleaning. You see, in my head, where I live has to look like a magazine.

- I like to pretend that I read serious academic material because of my education but Roald Dahl's 'Boy' is my favorite book.

-I love reading about peoples lives, why do you think I blog?

- Once I broke my arm trying to balance on a water drum . I was 13 and I cried like a baby.

- I had an emo fringe, cringe, it made be binge. Then I shaved off my hair and never looked back.

- I really really like eating out at nice places. Maybe I should blame this on my parents but I can only thank them for nurturing my expensive taste.

- I will live by the sea one day.

- My family have had Great Danes since I was about 10 and I can confirm that they are the dumbest, sweetest, most loving animals in the world. At the moment my parents have Julio (who is 4 and weighs 85kg's), his best friend is a little terrier called Ben (imagine Baxter from Anchorman).

- I grew up on a 5 acre plot climbing trees, building tree houses, riding motorbikes and chasing cows.

- I get really really angry with shitty South African expats who leave and then try and justify their mistake by trashing our country. South Africa is an amazing place to be. Yes it has it's fair share of problems just like everywhere else but it's definately not going to be the spark for impending Armageddon like some believe. If that's you then I say good riddance.

- I don't really get soccer.

- I LOVE going to gym. I'm not a jock, but it's something I really enjoy.

-One day I'm going to own an Aston Martin DB9.


Good, now we are best friends.