Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Bitch Slap Virgin

What's happening with me at the moment? Nothing much really.

It's weird how everybodies lives go from crazy interesting to mind numbingly boring in only a few days. Although Mtv culture would have you believe that if you're not constantly running around doing amazing things (things that generally involve a lot of money) then you're a loser.

If I'm wrong and you're all off base jumping, polo playing and treasure hunting then I'll eat my hat. Either that or I'll try really hard to suck up to you in the hopes that some of that gold dust will spill its way onto me.

In the spirit of my lack of goings on I've decided to tell one of my more embarrassing stories. Don't worry, it's funny.

My Dad always had me believe that you weren't a real man until you'd been in a fight (he never said those words I admit, but his tales of black eyes and bruises made a big impression on my boyhood psyche). He also made me believe that if you had a big mouth someone would eventually want to smack you upside yo' face.

I naturally put two and two together and developed a less than typical cocky teenage attitude, as a result my mouth slowly formed into a parachute like flap that never stopped articulating mybrash and uncensored thoughts. I'm still amazed that I made it through high school.

Despite my cavalier demeanour and less than respectful tone I made it to university a 'Bitch Slap Virgin' and for the first year everything went swimmingly and I didn't get kicked, hit, punched, toed or kneed once by the enormous Afrikaans seniors at my res. They actually liked the little Rooinek (Redneck) that I was. Score.

All good things must end however (much like Micheal Jackson’s music career) and at the end of second year my day of reckoning came to greet me like a drunk grim reaper (that's not pretty I'll have you know).

One evening my friends (Ryan and Lian) and I decided it would be a fantastic idea to go to a club down the road called Boston’s. It wasn't our usual spot and it was a little out of our way but variety is the spice of life after all (the drinks were cheap) and we went for it. Lian decided to drive so naturally Ryan and I went to the liquor store and bought some cheap Vodka to get us started off. By the time we decided to leave half the bottle had mysteriously disappeared, despite Ryan’s appeals to search for it I voted nay and off we went.

Drinks were flowing, moves were being busted out and I was steadily on my way. Don't judge me, I was a student. Things started getting so entertaining in fact that my friends lost me in the bathroom for a while. After wandering around by myself for about an hour (and when I say wandering I really mean playing pinball with the walls) the lads grabbed me and we headed out the door.

What happened next is still a blur to me. I was told the following morning that there was a group of five guys waiting outside for drunken students to heckle. Me and my big mouth (exacerbated by my alcohol consumption) weren't having any of it.

Our conversation went something like this:

Meatheads: Hey Bro why you so drunk?

Ryan: Man we're just trying to get home

Tom: HAAAY!!!!

Meatheads: What was that?

Tom: What was that your face?

Meatheads: Are you talking to me?

Tom: Losersaywhat!

Meatheads: What?


Meatheads: Do you want to get yourself f**** up bro?

Tom: I'll take you all on, you bloody Dutchmen

And that's where it ended. As I'm sure you've figured out, the term 'Dutchman' isn't a very flattering name for someone of Afrikaans heritage. Now I don't have anything against the Afrikaans people at all, I was just looking for the phrase that would piss them off the most. It worked.

I woke up the next morning with a swollen face. A very swollen face. I thought I'd hit my head on the wall during a drunken trip to the bathroom. I limped to Ryan's room to have a chat.

Tom: knock knock (that's me knocking on his door)

Ryan: Hello

Tom: What happened last night dude?

Ryan: You don't remember? You called a bunch of guys Dutchmen and one of them hit you, then they hit Lian.

Tom: Oh shit is he ok?

Ryan: He was dragging you to the car so I think he got hit in the ribs, his face is fine. They chased us after we got in the car.

Tom: How did that happen?

Ryan: Well as we drove past them Lian told them he'd f**** their mothers, so they jumped in their cars and chased us for about 13k's. I thought we were going to die, you were passed out in the back.

Tom: Wow, I'm really sorry

Ryan: It's ok, it was pretty cool actually

And that's how I became a real man. I may have been drunk but I didn't take their shit lying down.

I still have scar tissue in my cheek today, it's weird.


Being Brazen said...


Im sure it was not funny at all at the time, but reading the story now I have to laugh

Bella@That damn expat said...

Tom: knock knock (that's me knocking on his door)

That line had me laughing out loud.

What is that gives you guys the courage to mouth back to assholes when you are drunk?
Oh, right, the same thing that makes us girls think we are amazingly talented singers/dancers.

Superficialgirl said...

oh shame! lol, my boyfriend once called some guys dutchman while he was drunk (i am afrikaans) but at least they didnt hit him! :P

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

i snorted. like actually snorted while reading this.

it wasn't pretty.

but damn it felt good to laugh like that.

momcat said...

You got off lightly. My tenant when I was renting went out for his 21st. He was a big guy (a bouncer) but he got into trouble and was left lying outside the local club. Some girls found him and drove him home. Between us we staggered him to his room (no mean feat) and let him crash to his bed like a felled tree. The girls were compassionate trying to take his shoes off. I was not. Turns out that from his beating he had bones broken in his face among other things and needed quite a bit of medical treatment and he couldn't remember any of it!

Tamara said...

Dude... you could be my brother's twin! He has a similar story, except that it involved a golf club, an ex-girlfriend, her thick brother and a car guard driving him home.

Wait... that's not similar.

Scratch that.

Thomas said...

Brazen: It was hilarious until they hit me:)

Bella:Ha ha, just a little clarification that's all. And yup, you're right. Alcohol tends to help.

Superficial: He got off lucky! Mayeb I took it on the chin for him and I:)

Expensive: Snorted is good for the blood system, didn't you know that?

Momcat: Wow definately seems like I got off lightly. Shame for him:(

Tamara: No! It's like exactly the same stroy! Weird....

Headspace said...

Brilliant blog post Tom. What a crazy night. The memory loss is probably a bonus.

Coconut said...

I bitch-slapped my roommate my senior year of university. She was, in fact, being a bitch, and we were drunk. I still can't believe I did that.

angel said...

lol...why'd they stop chasing you?

~Sheila~ said...

That's funny.
You're still an amateur when it comes to being bitch slapped.

Your cheeks will begin to be able to handle the blows when you have completed your right of passage.

Believe me, I know a few guys.