Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A Few Important Things

Dear Anonymous Colleague

Sometimes, late at night, I wake up in a cold sweat, screaming foul obscenities at the top of my lungs. My voice hoarse and my eyes bloodshot, I usually shoot straight out of bed to attack the nearest inanimate object- which happens to be the wall. It takes me an hour or two to calm down but after a warm, milky drink I tend to drift back to sleep. It's inconvenient.

You see, I think this has something to do with you and how I want to tear head your head off on a daily basis. Didn't your mother teach you that it's rude and annoying to butt into conversations? Especially when they clearly don’t involve your person.

Unfortunately we’ve resorted to holding meetings in the corner of our open plan office in the hopes you won’t notice. Sadly the success rate has been, how can I say this? Dismal.

Your infinite capacity to bring me to the point of tears when you rip off those headphones and loudly display your interest in even the smallest titbit of dialogue, I fear, will very soon have me implicated for first degree murder by axe - and that will suck, more for you than I.

I sincerely urge you to take interest in my appeal for you to shut the f**k up.

Unkind Regards
Tom

PS: No matter how hard you try I will never acknowledge that saying 'free' is the same thing as saying 'three'.



Dear Rain

You're like that person that someone gets to know really quickly. It's great to begin with but the more I learn about you the less I want to stick around. Can't you tell that I don't like it every time you just 'pop in to say hi'?

I don't mean to be brash, but the last time we hung out you just pissed on my life for three weeks straight - friends don't piss on friends rain, so I've decided that don't want to see you for a while.

Don't you know that I refuse to wear shoes until the winter solstice?

Have you tried walking around in wet slops?

Maybe you should take a trip and bug those poor Australians. I heard they could use your help right about now.

Yours in sunshine and happiness

Tom



Dear Tom

Now I've heard what people have said about talking to yourself but this is important. Now that you've joined Twitter and a few people are actually reading your blog you should really make more of an effort to edit what you write. Bad spelling is for fools and poorly constructed, pompous sentences are a hallmark of first year journalism students.

Buck up buddy, you don't want to have put in all those hours trying to sound cool to throw it all away on a typo. Remember your 'I' before 'E' except after 'C' and you won't look like a tool.

PS: You are really really really good looking and you're going to get tons of valentine’s gifts this year.

Lots of love

Tom

15 comments:

sleepyjane said...

I love this post! But...don't send the rain away just yet. I prefer it raining on me that off me. Sweat doesn't go with my outfits you know.

Also, annoying co workers is a given in any job. Some are more than others, and it sounds like you ended up with a fabulous one.

Fabulously irritating that is.

Being Brazen said...

this post is great...My favourite letter is the one to yourself ( i always talk to myself)

Bella@That damn expat said...

Ahaha that post scriptum was awesome.

And just for the record, I sent you your Valentine gift a week ago ;)

stealthnerd said...

Ooh wow, your colleague sounds super fun!

Bella@That damn expat said...

I tagged you in a meme!

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

the rain is staying. sorry about that.

Astharis said...

I hate rain. I am English.
This has never worked out for me.

I feel you on that one. :p

po said...

Ah yes, wet feet syndrome. As a Durbanite I tried wearing slops all through my first Cape Town winter. It was not a success.

~Sheila~ said...

About the anonymous colleague..

Just do it..(but wear a mask).

The Rain:
Well, I like when it rains. It's calming and soothing. Of course, in moderation cause I am not planning on drowning in it.

For you:
As long as you don't mix up
their, there and they're
here and hear
etc...

Then we're good.

Helen said...

and you're and your...

I like the rain, when I'm on fieldwork rain means that i can sleep in and catch up on laundry and stuff!

The Chantal said...

ahh glad you mentioned the spelling, I noticed you write "wierd" instead of "weird" and "definately" instead of "definitely", didn't want to point it out but since you opened the door now :)

As for the Dear Rain, lol I thought you were writing to a person named Rain, omg I must be having a very dumb day :( I couldn't remember one of my employees names earlier either. I thought they were nagging you about wearing shoes, tee hee. Argh what's wrong with closed shoes anyways, are you one of those guys who wears shorts with a jersey in winter?

Thomas said...

Sleepy: Thank you! No rain, no no. What is it with you girls and rain?

Brazen: Good that makes two of us!

Bella: Can't wait to get it and thanks for the tag!

Stealthnerd: Oh, you have no idea

Expensive: Again, what is it with you girls and rain?

Astharis: Hmmm..I can see the problem there, feel for you!

Po: Maybe we should start a business called 'slop guard'? It could be a disposable 'shower cap' for your toes?

Sheila:I think I've got my homonyms and homophones down now:)Thanks for the heads up!

Helen: What do you do? My mom's a landscape artist so it's the same for her!

The Chantal: Now I feel stupid:( I'm goin gto stop telling people I studied english. I'm sorry, old habits die hard and all that jazz.

Tamara said...

Hehehe... I have to laugh at the fact that you had a typo in your response to Chantal.

Good to know yuo're human, Super Tom ;-)

Thomas said...

Tamara: Good lord. I think I'm going to jump off a cliff. I suppose I really am a tool. Lol

candy said...

love this! very cool man.