Thursday, February 26, 2009

I Go To Jail: Episode One (Miami Vice)

Hi guys

Ok I'm back and I'm feeling great. How's the week been?

Let's just jump straight into it shall we?

I was invited to a blogger get together at Cranks in Rivonia on Friday night by ExMi. Naturally I accepted and when Friday night rolled around I found myself a really excited and just a little nervous. I'd never met these people before but I knew all about their lives already, it was an interesting dynamic.

When I arrived ExMi and I both decided that eating was out of the question and that drinking was the way to go. To take the edge off the nerves I ordered myself a beer and settled into getting to know a whole bunch of the Joburg bloggers and twitterers I'd been following for the past few months. It was great and I ended up having a fantastic time.

I left at around 11:30 and on the drive home I got a call from my girlfriend to let me know that the cops were everywhere and that I should be careful. Super, I decided to take the back roads. I knew that the pigs always trapped under a certain bridge very close to my house so I decided to go over the bridge in the hopes that I wouldn't be pulled over. I wasn't that lucky.

As I drove further down William Nicol drive I slowly began to realize that the bastards had moved the road block further back to catch people like me. I began to experience a sinking feeling when the police began to pull me in with their tractor beam torches, ushering my car to the side of the road.

I opened my window to the (very brand new, wet behind the ears) policeman. The conversation went something like this:

Policeman: Eh Boss. Can I see your licence?

Tom: Evening officer, sure.

*This is when I frantically start searching for my wallet. Turns out I forgot that I put it in my glove box when I arrived at Cranks. If anything made me look drunk it was me pulling my car apart trying to find the darn thing.
Tom: There you go officer

Policeman: Thomas, you are young (um thanks?) have you been drinking?

Tom: No sir, I'm just on my way home. See those lights there? (Points to the nearest intersection) I just have to turn there and then I'm back.

Policeman: Thomas I think you have been drinking and now you must blow.

Tom: Sir, with the utmost respect, I just want to get home. If you must test me I'd like a Drager test and to see the certificate of competency for the operator.

Policeman: *calls supervisor

Supervisor: Come now sir, you must blow. Get out of the car.

Tom: Ma'am I'd respectfully like a Drager test please.

Supervisor: No! You must blow! (tries to open my car door, it's locked) Come, we are going to see the supervisor.

Tom: Ok

Supervisor's Supervisor: Boy, you must blow now (how many times did they have to say that?)

Tom: Sir, I just asked for a Drager Test.

Supervisor's Supervisor: *Laughs in my face

Tom: Sir, I'm being really respectful, I'm not trying to cause trouble.

Supervisor's Supervisor: Bring me the handcuffs!

Tom: Erm what?

Supervisor's Supervisor: Resisting arrest!

Tom: Ok ok I'll do the breathalyzer test.

That didn't help. This 6 foot 7 inch odd man pushed me onto the police car and slapped those handcuffs on like I was his bitch. I have a feeling he'd been waiting all night for something like this to happen because he pushed me into that police van like he was the protagonist in an episode of Miami Vice (without the pale blue suits and cocaine). I sat down; hands cuffed behind my back and uttered a single word.


I turned around to greet my fellow inmates.

Tom: Hi guys

Dude 1: Why do you have handcuffs on?

Tom: I'm not sure actually, no one explained to me why I'm being arrested and I didn't have a breathalyzer test.

Dude 1: That's ridiculous.

Dude 2: We're all in for drinking; they said that they're going to take us to Loveday Police Station.

Tom: Where is that?

Dude 1: In the CBD, it's not a great place.

Tom: Crap, um could you do me a favour?

Dude 1: Sure, what?

Tom: Could you take my phone out of my pocket, press the green button, dial the first number and hold it to my ear?

I managed to place a very awkward phone call to my sleeping girlfriend as the police started the car up and drove us away at about a zillion miles per hour. Now I'm not sure if you've ever sat in a police van with handcuffs on driving at a zillion miles per hour but I can tell you that it's tough to hold on.

With my phone safely back in my pocket, my hands behind my back and my girlfriend frantically calling everyone I knew we headed off into the darkness to meet an uncertain fate.
And that's where I'll leave you for now. In the next post I'll tell you guys all about the test,
Douglasdale Police Station and Randburg Cells.

Until then....


mylifescape said...

DUDE!! This is manic! I still can't actually believe it! How scary that must have been! And not knowing what was going on! Jeepers! All I can say is that you are a brave brave man! You've been handcuffed and put in the slammer! LIVING on the EDGE! ;p ... At least you heard the words :boy you must blow now: BEFORE you arrived in jail! Was SOOO awesome to meet you in person... you totally rock!!

Being Brazen said...

HECTIC!!!!! :(

The Chantal said...

First mistake was saying no you hadn't been drinking, it's always best to be honest and say yes I had one beer etc, and not to resist the breathaliser test, they're more lenient if you're straight up with them. Anyways at least nothing bad happened to you in the holding cell! That place is the scariest ever, I'll never drink and drive just because I'm so shit scared of being locked in a cell where they let anything happen.

Tamara said...

Good grief, Thomas. They arrested you without even knowing if you were drunk? I'm pretty sure they have no leg to stand on.

Laura said...

Suppose you were damned if you did and damed if you didnt!

Loveday isnt the best place to be taken AT ALL!! Scary!

Ah well you survived to blog about it so its all good :)

angel said...

sheesh... dude... i am sorry!

SuvvyGirl said...

I think cops worldwide must go to some big convention to learn how to be complete pricks and violate their own rules. At least you were able to call your girlfriend before you got thrown in the pokey.

~Sheila~ said...

Wow. Sounds like you had a rough night. I was arrested before. I was pregnant with my second child and driving to see my husband in another city. I was pulled over and the police officer said I falsified my registration sticker. Handcuffed me and put me in his car. They towed my car and later found out at the station that I didn't have anything to do with the sticker. They didn't put me in a cell because I was pregnant but I did have to post my own bail.

The case was later dismissed.
Go figure.

Pearls and Bows said...

PIG- Pride Intelligence Guts. I don't mean to be the only one on here who doesn't like cops but if you were drinking and driving then the cop wasn't wrong was he?

Anonymous said...

You just know in a few months time when the horror of it fies down that you'll have an AWESOME story to tell. :)

Anonymous said...



Astharis said...

This is a really really crappy thing to have happened to you, especially when you're such a nice guy!

Glad that you're back home, safe and sound.

margeauxmargeaux said...

Hahaha, oh fuck. I had my own sort of juvenile version of this experience when I was 17 (which was only just over a year ago). I, too, was accused of "resisting arrist" and, actually, my treatment was considerably more brutal. according to them, this was all a result of my refusal to get out of the back seat of my friend's car (I hadn't been in such a situation before and I thought it reasonable to ask whether or not they had the right to order me to do so; after all, it's not like I was driving). the cop I encountered also gave the impression of a muscle-flexing twisting the arm of a seventeen year old girl across her back until she passed out made him feel badass--well, that's beyond me (the arm twist, by the way was the second half in sequence to him yanking me from the car, smoking my head against the door in the process). Wet behind the ears seems to be a theme within their circles, no?
But here's the kicker: upon regaining consciousness (and I'll have you know I was slumped on the ground against the wheel of the car, already handcuffed.. yes, they cuffed me while I was unconscious) I became quite upset as they started asking me "how much I'd had to drink". I hadn't the slightest what was going on, and I actually didn't remember having my head smashed on the door. in fact, the entirety of this story was told to me the following morning by my friends, who witnessed the whole ordeal. as I was saying, after the pigs realized what they'd done, it seems they panicked (since several of my friends bore witness to their ridiculous violence) and resorted to plan B- let's try to pass it off as the girl being too drunk. that's when they called the paramedics, although I told them several times I'd only had three beers (Old Milwaukee tall boys;-]), and preceded to reassure me that I'd probably have to get my stomach pumped. Upon the paramedics' arrival, I was given the usual test (is this what the "Drager test" is you're referring to?), what's your name do you know where you live, touch your nose turn around walk in a straight line etc etc..?? I completed the test just fine, it seemed and re-instated to them that I'd had very little to drink. they basically said these policemen were idiots and had wasted their time. good people.

the moral of the story is.... I hate all cops now. as you can probably tell by the amateur teenage-crime novel I just composed for you, but what I really want to say is you better get justice at the end of this you motherfucker! the fact that they didn't breathalize you is questionable.. although it's a neglect of duty on their part, they're liable to say that you were just "so clearly intoxicated". y'know. fuck I hate cops.

that's all out of me but I leave you with this youtube video, because (as I learned during my brush with the law) I don't know when to quit.....

BEST OF LUCK!! :-):-)

Classy in Philadelphia said...

OMG! This is crazy. I can't believe they arrested you without even giving you the test. I wish I had seen the other post that you took down to hear the rest of this story :( I'm too late, lol.