The One Where I Rant About Car Guards

Hihopeyourweekendwasgoodminewaslazygeedon'tmondayssuckhuh?

Ok....

Bella from That Damn Expat inspired me this morning with her eloquent ranting skills. She questioned the idea of tipping and why we tip people and I found myself all fired up at the end of it, ready to write rant of my own.

So here it goes:

Car Guards are as useful as a broken leg.

In South Africa when you park your car at a shop, school, university, place of public gathering, power plant, park, fountain, mountain, valley, river, lake, dam, amusement park you'll be assaulted by a man in a yellow jacket posing as a keeper of the peace.

These men will show you to an open parking space you've already seen direct you into said parking with wild hand signals (even though you know you can get in there with your eyes closed) and will stand at your window until you leave the car.

When you gather your things you will be greeted in a number of ways:

"Hi there sir/Madame"

"Hola chiefa"

"Hola Boss"

"One time my brother"

If you acknowledge them in any way you enter yourself into a silent contract with the yellow shirted man. A contract by which you agree to let the man 'look after' your car, protecting it from the vandals, thieves, hoodlums and neredowells that supposedly trawl busy parking lots in the middle of the day in exchange for a unspecified sum of money when you return.

If you choose to ignore these men you will often be responded to with a condescending hiss and click of the tongue. did I forget to mention that you will also run the risk of having your car scratched by the set of keys he carries in his pocket for just such an occasion or dented by the trolley he tugs around?

While you're spending time doing whatever you happen to be doing he might be bargaining with common thieves over how much he should be paid to look the other way while they steal your radio or at worst, your car. If this should happen you will notice the yellow shirted man swiftly skulk away when the police arrive.

If you are lucky enough to avoid these misfortunes you'll be greeted by a warm smile on your return, a smile that silently says "give me money" behind clenched teeth. If you get into your car without paying up you will be directed out of your parking space in a manner that wouldn't seem out of place in a driving instruction yard. As soon as you're out and ready to go he'll be at your window once more telling you how safe your car is and how it's still in one piece. If you refuse to pay up you're more likely to receive an angry swish rather than a friendly wave.

Yes, it's true. I hate Car guards.

They're completely ineffective, often playing parts in the crimes they're supposedly sitting there waiting to stop.

Do they carry guns? No.

Do they carry sticks? No.

Do they perhaps carry mace? No.

What do they carry then? A pocket full of change, given to them by hard working people for sitting there all day doing nothing.

Call me mean, call me insensitive, and tell me that it's providing jobs.

Sure it's providing jobs, jobs that are encouraging guys off the street to try and make as much money doing as little as possible.

Besides, why should I pay you to keep a car I paid for in one piece? Are you a mechanic perhaps? Because if you are we can talk.

Bah humbug.