A Few Important Things

Dear Anonymous Colleague

Sometimes, late at night, I wake up in a cold sweat, screaming foul obscenities at the top of my lungs. My voice hoarse and my eyes bloodshot, I usually shoot straight out of bed to attack the nearest inanimate object- which happens to be the wall. It takes me an hour or two to calm down but after a warm, milky drink I tend to drift back to sleep. It's inconvenient.

You see, I think this has something to do with you and how I want to tear head your head off on a daily basis. Didn't your mother teach you that it's rude and annoying to butt into conversations? Especially when they clearly don’t involve your person.

Unfortunately we’ve resorted to holding meetings in the corner of our open plan office in the hopes you won’t notice. Sadly the success rate has been, how can I say this? Dismal.

Your infinite capacity to bring me to the point of tears when you rip off those headphones and loudly display your interest in even the smallest titbit of dialogue, I fear, will very soon have me implicated for first degree murder by axe - and that will suck, more for you than I.

I sincerely urge you to take interest in my appeal for you to shut the f**k up.

Unkind Regards
Tom

PS: No matter how hard you try I will never acknowledge that saying 'free' is the same thing as saying 'three'.



Dear Rain

You're like that person that someone gets to know really quickly. It's great to begin with but the more I learn about you the less I want to stick around. Can't you tell that I don't like it every time you just 'pop in to say hi'?

I don't mean to be brash, but the last time we hung out you just pissed on my life for three weeks straight - friends don't piss on friends rain, so I've decided that don't want to see you for a while.

Don't you know that I refuse to wear shoes until the winter solstice?

Have you tried walking around in wet slops?

Maybe you should take a trip and bug those poor Australians. I heard they could use your help right about now.

Yours in sunshine and happiness

Tom



Dear Tom

Now I've heard what people have said about talking to yourself but this is important. Now that you've joined Twitter and a few people are actually reading your blog you should really make more of an effort to edit what you write. Bad spelling is for fools and poorly constructed, pompous sentences are a hallmark of first year journalism students.

Buck up buddy, you don't want to have put in all those hours trying to sound cool to throw it all away on a typo. Remember your 'I' before 'E' except after 'C' and you won't look like a tool.

PS: You are really really really good looking and you're going to get tons of valentine’s gifts this year.

Lots of love

Tom